Navigating the Holidays
For Parents/Caregivers and Children Under 5
by Tara Metcalf-Gonzales, LMFT, RDT, Program Manager and Aurora Gallardo, Program Manager from StarVista’s Early Childhood Services
The holiday season can be particularly challenging for caregivers of young children co-parenting and/or living in multiple households. Tara Metcalf-Gonzales, LMFT, RDT, Program Manager and Aurora Gallardo, Program Manager from StarVista’s Early Childhood Services, share valuable insights on navigating co-parenting, managing boundaries, resisting perfectionism, and creating quality time activities for kids under 5. Additionally, community resources from StarVista offer crucial support during this festive season.
Navigating Co-Parenting and Multiple Households (Tara’s Insights):
When your child is living in multiple households, or has multiple families in many different places, the holiday schedule can be challenging. Even more so, the emotions that come along with planning and spending time away from young children can be difficult or unexpected.
If you are spending a holiday physically away from your young children here are some possibilities and reminders for those days:
1) Make a plan for yourself. What will you need that day? Are there people of support you can be with? Do you need to give yourself a day full of comfort? Should anyone check on you to make sure you are doing okay?
2) See if there are ways to be connected virtually. Perhaps you can’t be physically with your child, but perhaps a phone call or video chat is possible. It may not seem like young children can focus for very long on those calls, but even a quick chance to hear your voice or for you to see their face can provide some important connection during that day.
3) Focus on your values. What holidays are most important to you? Why is that? What do you want your child to learn/experience? What do you want to feel? Are there ways to incorporate that outside of the actual day that will still feel like you celebrated?
4) Have you and your child have something matching that connects you. Is there a special bear that every time they hug it, they can imagine they are hugging you? Consider getting yourself something similar for when you miss them. Photos can also be helpful, as well as other objects of significance. If it has a voice recording option, even better!
5) Validate your experience. You can feel however you feel. Whether it is sad, relieved, lonely, angry, happy, overwhelmed or anything in between, your feelings are valid. Consider how you may want to honor and respect them. The holidays can be an emotional time in many ways!
Managing Boundaries
One area to navigate during the holidays is bodily autonomy and consent with young children. When seeing relatives, they may want to hug or kiss your child. For little children, even with relatives they know, they may feel unsure of what they want or how to establish boundaries. This can be a great opportunity to model and teach them!
If you can let relatives know beforehand to ask permission before making contact with your child, that can usually help. You can even let your child know in advance what some of the options will be (such as a hug, a high five, a fist bump, or a wave). Sometimes, that isn’t possible. Teaching your child to ask for space (if they are verbal) can be a handy tool in case they feel overwhelmed. Using discussion around our “personal bubbles” can be helpful for this! This can also be used in relation to play with other children they may be around. Gentle hands for play can be a helpful reminder when they are excited to see cousins, friends, etc!
Link to book: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/56366216-my-invisible-bubble
If you have very young babies, people may also want to hold your child. This can be a good opportunity to come up with a plan beforehand with all other caregivers of the child. Remember, you only have to do what is comfortable for you. Sometimes, practicing in advance how you may decline someone holding your child can be helpful if you worry about discomfort in the moment.
Resisting Perfectionism
The holidays can bring joy and connection, but they can also bring stress and pressure. Caregivers can often feel responsible for making every moment “perfect,” especially for their young children. Remind yourself and those around you that perfection is a myth, and the most important thing for your young child this holiday season is to connect with you, when possible.
Here are some phrases to repeat when parenting perfectionism shows up:
1) My child only needs a safe space. I am their safe space.
2) The best gift I can give my child is quality time of connection and bonding.
3) My wellness matters too.
4) I can only control myself. I can try to let go of anything that isn’t an emergency.
5) It is okay to take breaks.
6) I am enough. I am what my child needs.
7) It is okay to have fun, even if not everything is done!
Quality Time Activities for Children Under 5 (Aurora’s Insights):
Earth and Moon Game: Give your child a flashlight with a wide beam and grab a flashlight that has a narrow beam (a laser pointer will also work). Lie together faceup on a bed in a dark room. Your child’s job is to make the Earth (the wide beam) move in large, slow circles around the ceiling. Your job is to keep the moon (the narrow beam) orbiting the Earth.
Scrap Box: On an outing to a favorite place – a park or another place you like to visit – gather things particular to that spot, like shiny rocks or acorns. Take photos of mementos that won’t last, like colorful leaves.
Once you’re home, help your child decorate a box to store your collection. For example, have them draw a picture (or print out a photo) of the place and glue it to the box top. Then let them color and embellish it any way they’d like. Make a different box for each of your favorite places.
Then on those days you need to stay inside, you can snuggle up with your child and relive your favorite outings as you sift through the treasures you’ve collected.
Make Bubbles: Make your own bubble solution by mixing one part dishwashing detergent with 10 parts water and adding a little glycerin or corn syrup to make the bubbles hold. Your child can use almost any open-ended object to make bubbles, like the rings from a six-pack of soda. Try making bigger and bigger bubbles.
Put on a Show with Toys: Have your child help you gather a cast of dolls, stuffed animals, and toy figures. Divide them up between the two of you and act out a play, using different voices for the different dolls and animals. Improvise as you go – half the fun is taking the action in a silly direction.
Another option: Host a talent show and have each character sing a song or tell a joke or story from family traditions.
Non-Expensive Games and Movie Nights: Explore budget-friendly games like puzzles, counting numbers, and family traditional board games.Create a cozy holiday movie night at home or a living room campout for a special family experience.
Camp Out in the Living Room (Babies/Toddlers): Campouts are always fun, but the ones in your living room have the added bonus of such creature comforts as carpeting or favorite blanket and access to the kitchen and bathroom. Make your own by draping blankets over carefully arranged furniture. Then pull out the sleeping bags, pillows, and flashlights for a real camping experience. The “tent” can stay up for as long as you want, making it easy for you and your child to go camping anytime.
Redwood City Public Library Events: https://www.redwoodcity.org/departments/library/events/-curm-12/-cury-2023
Community Resources for Support (StarVista):
StarVista’s Differential Response
Call our Resource Line at 650.489.2097
The Resource Line is a number any family or provider can call to request information about services available in San Mateo County. Families and providers leave a message on this line and they all get a call back within 2 business days with the information they have requested by one of our bilingual case managers. Our hope is to support families in San Mateo County who need information about resources available to them in their community. In addition, providers are more than welcome to call the number so they can gather information for their clients as well. The Resource Line is absolutely free!
We are NOT a crisis center, but we do want to be a support for families who are seeking:
Emergency Shelter Resources
Assistance in applying for health insurance
Emergency Food Assistance
Housing Resources
Parenting Resources
Counseling Referrals
Legal Aid Referrals
Childcare Referrals
Support for Domestic Violence
Information on local resources
StarVista’s Crisis Center
24/7 Crisis Hotline 650-579-0350
Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio 1-888-628-9454
The StarVista 24/7 Crisis Hotline 650-579-0350 is open to all ages. If your phone number has an area code other than 650, call the StarVista hotline phone number to be directed to the StarVista Crisis Center.
Who could call the crisis line?
• Anyone who feels sad, hopeless, or suicidal.
• Family and friends who are concerned about a loved one.
• Anyone interested in mental health treatment and service referrals.
• Or anyone who just needs some support through a personal crisis.
Our Suicide Hotline is available 24-hours a day, seven days a week for crisis intervention.
Teen Crisis Services
Teen Crisis Services consist of an online teen chat and teen text line, which are free, peer-to-peer services that are accessible from www.sanmateocrisis.org or by texting 650-747-6463. Teens can chat confidentially with trained youth peer counselors under Crisis Center staff supervision about various topics. *Hours: Monday-Friday, 4:00pm-10:00pm PST
While mainly focused on crisis intervention and suicide prevention, teens can also talk about school stress, relationship issues, and mental health challenges. While the program is intended to focus on youth ages 13 and up, no youth will be turned away on the basis of age.
Navigating the holidays as a caregiver involves embracing imperfections, setting boundaries, and creating meaningful connections with your child. By incorporating the insights shared by Tara and Aurora, along with utilizing community resources like StarVista, families can make the holiday season a time of joy, connection, and support. Remember, it’s the quality of time spent together that truly matters.