Ask an Expert Series:
“How do I help my child build their independence?”
StarVista’s Ask an Expert Series gives our shared community an opportunity to have mental health and wellness related questions answered by StarVista’s professional staff. Here are some considerations regarding how to help kids build independence, autonomy and self-confidence through decision making.
Meet the Expert!
Claudia Cattaneo Auxier holds a master’s degree in counseling psychology and is an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor and an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist in Northern California. She works with families in the Latino population as a bilingual mental health professional and as a consultant for Early Childhood Services at StarVista.
Building Independence
An important consideration in helping kids build independence is to understand whether independence and autonomy are important values (or not) to the kid’s parents their families, and their culture of origin.
We find independence as a strong value to strive for in the American culture, yet that is not always the case in other cultures. A mom born and raised in a country with a Latino culture most likely would value service and self-sacrifice over independence; therefore, the idea of encouraging her young children to do something for themselves (something that she would be happy to do as an expression of love) would be a foreign concept. On the other hand, one must avoid confusing autonomy and independence with neglect.
Note that childhood development milestones are universal, yet each child is different and unique in so many ways. One of them is the age at which they reach those milestones. When thinking about different activities that can promote your child’s independence, always keep in mind age appropriateness and the individual uniqueness of your child.
There is not a single, significant thing, but rather a lot of little things that can be done daily to create independence and self-assurance in children. It is the child’s effort rather than the specific outcome of each act that matters. Find little tasks and jobs that your child can help you with daily around the house. Try to encourage your child, regardless of their performance to help build self-confidence. Be aware that it will take your child much longer to complete the requested or assigned task, but your child is the one learning, so the speed or quality of their work is less important than accomplishing it and feeling good about their effort. If the task asked of your child is too difficult for the child, help the child by naming the feelings of frustration and help the child to express their emotions with words (not behaviors). Do not overdo the praise while ignoring inappropriate behavior.
Allow your children to do things for themselves, finding something that is age appropriate. Start with simple little things like putting the napkins on the table or cleaning up after eating by throwing the paper napkins used into the trash.
Put into Practice: Decision Making
Give them the chance of practicing taking decisions, giving them two or three simple options (that you already decided are ok with you). For example, give them the option to choose their clothes to wear to the park or to school by giving them 2 choices of suitable clothes for the weather and occasion. You can let them dress by themselves and help them when needed.
Eating is another great little opportunity to help them to practice choice making by simply asking: Do you want an orange or an apple? A banana or a pear? Carrots or broccoli? Give them healthy options and talk with them about their choice, and the benefits of eating healthy snacks. This does not mean that you are giving them a free pass to choose whatever they want to eat from the kitchen or in the store and crossing your fingers that they choose a vegetable over a candy bar; it is choosing within your preestablished options to foster the sense of empowerment in them.
Practicing decision-making earlier in life helps them when later in life they need to make good choices by themselves, without you being around to guide them. This experience can help them feel more confident in their own choices instead of being insecure or letting the environment or others make the choice for them.
What can you do?
- Allow them to do age-appropriate things for themselves (starting with simple things).
- Let them choose from two or three options (“pre-approved” by you).
- Encourage them when they face difficulties or frustrations. It may happen if they choose (and insist on) something that you did not give as an option. For example, a candy bar instead of a piece of fruit.
- When discipline is needed, focus on unacceptable behavior, do not malign the character of the child.
- Name the feelings to work with them (helping them identify emotions increases their Emotional Intelligence).
- Be present for them; spend time together (without electronic distractions).
- Offer them time to reciprocate interactions in a positive way (playing, talking, singing, dancing, reading, etc.). Let them choose what they would like to do next (to help build self-confidence through decision making).
- Communicate and show frequently that you love them.
- Avoid comparison to siblings, friends, or even yourself at their age.
- Allow them to make decisions, even if they don’t choose what you would prefer, as long as they are safe.
- Model behaviors.
Do not forget yourself! Keep it simple for them and for yourself! Parenting is a 24/7 job. To be present with energy, patience, focus, and a positive attitude, be sure (as much as you can) to also take care of yourself, making it easier to provide a good role model for them.
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